Beginning of the End?

Today is Tuesday July 22, 2014. I leave for CT in 2 days! This is just so freaking mind blowing to me! Also I’ve now know Andy for a whole year (since Saturday July 19) How weird is that? Country Thunder is shaping up to be a hell of a time honestly. I’m getting a handle of vodka and a fifth of whiskey from Maureen’s cousin. And probably the weirdest thing of this all, I just might meet up with Tim.. I might actually meet up with Maddie Stammen’s ex-boyfriend. whaaaadaaafuuqqqq. I guess I’m just a hottie. So I’ll let you know how that goes! When I get back from CT on Sunday night, it will officially be the week of the wedding. Holy shit. How did that happen so quickly honestly. 10 days until I see him, 4 of which will fly by because I’ll be at CT. SO then we’ll go to Lolla and have a muddaaafuckin great time in the city. Then the wedding. BYE!

Knowing Me

I think these past couple of years have really taught me a lot. I finally am beginning to understand who I am. I know myself. I know my strengths. I know my weaknesses. I know what I like. I know what I don’t. I know the type of person I am and the morals and standards I hold myself to. I know what’s ultimately important in my life and for that I am thankful. I know that relationships can’t be forced. I know that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I know the confidence I have is there for good reason. I know that I am beautiful and deserve the absolute best from someone. I know that I deserve to surround myself with only the best people who bring out the best in me. I know that it is my job in return to bring out the best in them. I know who I am and what works for me. And for all of that, I am thankful. 

July 10, 2014

I woke up with this weird clarity that I guess I’ve been praying for. I just now understand that this can’t be forced. There’s a very certain connection that I’m looking for and if it’s there for him and me, then great. If it’s not, then I can’t piegonhold myself into this love-hate relationship with him. I’m so looking forward to this vacation because of the answers I will possibly be getting. I just need time with him. It’s that simple. I need to spend time around him, I need to talk to him in person, I need him to be around me in person. I just need that contact in order to gauge where I am and how I feel.

YES

Go back and just skim the first couple words of all of my entries. They are either completely happy or completely enraged and sad. One minute I’ll be so freaking excited to see him and wish we could be able and laugh and flirt and be happy together. The next minute I’m so completely disappointed and angry at him for the way he’s treated me and the things he’s done. I honestly honestly honestly am so bipolar about this. I just need interaction to gauge where we are and how I feel. I understand that the more I am around him and the more I talk to him, the more I understand about what it is we have and what is it I feel.

Here’s the entry I’ve been waiting so long to make. After this long and mentally tiring month of June, I’ve established some very important things and I think are worthy of writing down. I’ve gone through a lot of emotions since he left. I’ve had a lot of thoughts since he left. I’ve felt lost since he left. And I’ve also felt found since he left. I have finally realized that I can’t control this situation. I can’t control him. I can’t control how we feels. I can’t control what he thinks. I can’t control how others view us. For so long I tried to understand so much of what I simply couldn’t. I was trying to piece together anything I could to better understand how he felt and what my next step should be. I was trying to do this with pieces I didn’t have. And that’s what drove me insane. I now know that this needs to be a two way street with communication on both ends. I now know that I can’t do another leave with us being half there half not.I now know that we are no longer 15 year olds and we need to decide what this is and where it’s going. It’s not good to just leave it how we have been. That’s not what I want. This is a dangerous game to be playing so leaving it in the air really isn’t an option. I just hope after this summer I finally have bearing on where we stand. At this point, I’m not even praying for it to go in the positive way. I just need answers. I’ve sat and thought about this for far too long with such little information. I hope this summer brings answers to both of us, answers that make the gap between visits much more bearable. 

Michigan Minus Marie

So it’s (again) official that Marie isn’t going to be coming on our Michigan vacation this summer.. That’s honestly really sad but also opens a strange door for me. This vacation was supposed to be us four and we were supposed to be able to catch up on everything and just talk and talk and talk for hours and be us again. But without Marie there, it’s going to change the dynamic totally. It will definitely be less lively. It’s so sad because was always my partner in crime and the person who would risk with me. That being said, the opportunity for me and D to sneak out at night and talk while everyone else is asleep just got a whole lot better. Marie would definitely stay up just as late as me and make sure that I didn’t leave and question me constantly. Ange is definitely more laid back in that sense and won’t really think twice about something like that happening, which I know is horrible to say but things like this I just need. You can even compare the two different days in early June. The first day, only Ange was there and that was the more fun of the two days (in the sense that it wasn’t so restricted) We could flirt and nothing would really be said. The second day Marie was all on me about why I was antsy and why I didn’t say goodbye and why I was doing this and why I was doing that. I understand that she’s coming from a hard place. She’s had something like this happen to her before but what she doesn’t understand is that this is completely different. And she won’t understand that for a long time if ever. SO basically what I’m trying to say is that this little midnight meet up (if you will) is looking more and more likely by the day. Here’s to more thoughts and prayers.

6-29-14

Finally: A Stand

You know what? It doesn’t work like that. I know what I deserve. Chasing some boy who doesn’t value me and see how fucking amazing I am, doesn’t deserve my full attention. Maybe start having some respect and realize that I’m one of the “good ones”. Prove yourself D and then maybe we’ll talk.

At the Beginning

Before we even talk about anything I just want us to be as honest and open as possible because I mean we’ve never had this. Being alone. And we don’t know when we’re gonna have it again. So if it takes all night that’s fine, I just don’t want to leave with questions. 

Decisions

We need to make a decision here. I don’t want to do the half there half not thing anymore. I want to just be in each others lives when it’s convenient for you and then when we’re apart having nothing to do with each other. We need to either make the decision to put effort into it or leave it here. 

June 9, 2014

I’m not attracted to perfection in others, for there is not such thing. I’m attracted to their story. I’m attracted to the way they smile at me. I’m attracted to the words they choose to say. I’m attracted to the way they treat others. I’m attracted to the way they move. I’m mainly attracted to the way they make me feel when I’m with them. Love is like a good drug. If it’s real, you’ll become addicted. You’ll find yourself only thinking about that person day and night. You’ll find yourself needing to be around that person to feel normal. To feel happy. To feel whole. To feel the best you ever have.